The following is a collection of golf-related quotes found in my book. My favorites are the funny ones of course, but there are also some just commenting on the game itself. As also noted in my book, quotes without the attributing author is not an omission of credit. It was simply because I could not find out who said it originally, but they were funny nonetheless so I wanted to include them in here. Read and enjoy!
HUMOROUS
“The only time my prayers aren’t answered is on the golf course.” –Billy Graham
“It’s not hard to keep your ball in the fairway…as long as you’re not picky about which fairway.” -unknown
“If I had cleared the trees and drove the green, it would’ve been a great shot.” -Sam Snead
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing.” –Anonymous
“Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.” –Dave Barry
“Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.” –John Updike
“It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.” –Hank Aaron
“The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf- it’s almost a law.” –H.G. Wells
Golf is a game in which you yell ‘fore!’, shoot six, and write down five.” –Paul Harvey
“Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea how to play it.” –Gary Player
“You know what they say about big hitters. The woods are full of them.” –Jimmy Demaret
“If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out.” –Paul Galileo
“I’ve spent most of my life golfing- the rest I’ve just wasted.” –Unknown
“I GOT A cold beer on every HOLE and put four balls IN ONE of the ponds.” -found on one of my signs at home
“Golf: an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.” -unknown
“Golf without bunkers and hazards would be tame and monotonous. So would life.” –B.C. Forbes
“Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white. They’re sold by the dozen and you need to buy fresh ones each week.”
“Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can’t play it.” –Ted Ray
“I believe nicotine plus caffeine equals protein.” –John Daly
Golf is a game in which the ball lies poorly and the players well..” –Art Rosenbaum
“Talking to a golf ball won’t do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.” –Bruce Lansky
“My golf score seems to improve considerably when I have the score card.”
“Swing hard, in case you hit it!”
“If I had cleared the trees and drove the green, it would’ve been a great shot.” –Sam Snead
“There are two things you can do with your head down- play golf and pray.” –Lee Trevino
“You can hit a 2 acre fairway 10% of the time and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.”
“There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.”
“My boss told me to have a good day…so I went golfing!"
” Dear Santa, this year I’d like a LARGE bank account and a LOW golf score. Please don’t mix them up like last year! “
"If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, it means he probably shot an eight.”
"The game of golf is 90 percent mental and 10 percent mental. “
"I don’t like death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par.” –Chi Chi Rodriguez
“Golf is good for the soul. You get so mad at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.” –Will Rogers
“Golf has probably kept more people sane than psychiatrists have.” –Harvey Penick
“Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.” –Red Skelton
“I like to play golf. I like to cut my own grass.” –John Boehner
“Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.” –Buddy Hackett
“Two things I take very seriously in life. My golf game and my relationship with God. Neither one is simple.” –Cheryl Ladd
“For me, the worse part about golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.” –Dave Barry
“The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.” –Billy Graham
“The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.” –Bertrand Russell
“I’m not feeling very well. I need a doctor immediately. Ring the golf course.” –Groucho Marx
“Don’t tell me, ‘Golf helps you find yourself.” I’ve been playing my whole life, and I’m still looking for myself.” –Lewis Black
“The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.” –Phyllis Diller
“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” –Bob Hope
“Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.” –Harry Vardon
My golf score seems to improve considerably when I have the scorecard. “
"I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game: it’s called an eraser.” –Arnold Palmer
“He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie.” –Mickey Mantle
You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.
LIFE LESSONS
“The real test in golf and in life is not in keeping out of the rough, but in getting out after you are in.” –Zig Ziglar
“Resolve never to quit, never to give up, no matter what the situation.” –Jack Nicklaus
“Success in this game depends less on strength of body than strength of mind and character.” –Arnold Palmer
“One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. No matter what you shoot- the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin all over again and make yourself into something.” –Peter Jacobsen
“Keep your sense of humor. There’s enough stress in the rest of your life not to let bad shots ruin a game you’re supposed to enjoy.” –Amy Alcott
“Golf gives you an insight into human nature, your own as well as your opponent’s.” –Grantland Rice
“To find a man’s true character, play golf with him.” –P.G. Wodehouse
“It’s a funny thing. The more I practice, the luckier I get.” –Arnold Palmer
“A bad attitude is worse than a bad swing.” –Payne Stewart “In golf as in life, it is the follow through that makes the difference.” –Anonymous
“Perfection is unattainable. This is the beautiful challenge of golf and life.” –Athletic Golf Training
“I don’t believe you have to be better than everybody else. I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be.” –Ken Venturi
“The drive is to always get better. No matter what, you never get there. It’s a never-ending struggle. That’s the fun of it, no matter how good you play, you can always play better, which makes it exciting the next day.” –Tiger Woods
“You’re never too old to play golf. If you can walk, you can play.” –Louise Suggs
“The guy who believes in happy endings is going to play consistently better golf than the man who approaches every act of existence with fear and foreboding.” –Tony Lema
“In golf, as in life, you get out of it what you put into it.” –Sam Snead
“The most rewarding things you do in life are often the ones that look like they can’t be done.” –Arnold Palmer
“What other people may find in poetry or art museums, I find in the flight of a good drive.” –Arnold Palmer
“You are what you think you are, in golf and in life.” –Raymond Floyd
Golf is like solitaire. When you cheat, you only cheat yourself.” –Tony Lema
ON THE GAME OF GOLF ITSELF
“A hole in one is amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules has to pass through on its way to the hole.” –Mac O’Grady
“A golf course is to me holy ground. I feel God in the trees, and the grass and flowers, and in the rabbits and the birds and the squirrels; in the sky and water. I feel that I am home.” -Harvey Penick, from A Game for a Lifetime
“Few learn golf in a lifetime.” –Grantland Rice
“Somehow, it is hard to dislike a man once you have played a round of golf with him.” –John Updike
“The mental aspects of golf are what make it such a great sport.” –Johnny Miller
“Golf is the only sport that a professional can enjoy playing with his friends.” –Chi Chi Rodriguez
“Golf is not a game of good shots. It is a game of bad shots.” –Ben Hogan
“Golf, like measles, should be caught young.” P.G. Wodehouse
“Golf is a weird sport. Some days you got it. Some days you don’t.” –Dustin Johnson
“There are so many aspects of the game that you can work on. You can drive it further, you can drive it straighter ,you can hit your irons higher and more consistently, you can get better with your wedges and you can putt better. There’s never an end to that striving to get better in golf.” –Matt Kuchar
“Golf is a messed-up game. When you feel you’ve figured it out is when you’re going to struggle.” –Camilo Villegas
“Success in golf depends less on strength of body than upon strength of mind and character.” –Arnold Palmer
“Being the world’s greatest athlete just does not get it done on the golf course.” –Caitlyn Jenner
“Golf is meaningless, but it means so much.” –Dennis Quaid
“When you’re on a golf course, a couple of things are very interesting. No matter who you’re with and who you’re playing with, people want each other to do well.” –Condoleezza Rice
GOLF TIPS
“Forget the last shot. It takes so long to accept that you can’t always replicate your swing. The only thing you can control is your attitude toward the next shot.” –Mark McCumber
“You don’t have the game you played last year or last week. You only have today’s game. It may be far from your best, but that’s all you’ve got. Harden your heart and make the best of it.” -Walter Hagen
“Golf is a game that is played on a five-inch course- the distance between your ears.” –Bobby Jones
“Of all the hazards, fear is the worst.” –Sam Snead
“The most important shot in golf is the next one.” –Ben Hogan
“The mind messes up more shots than the body.” –Tommy Bo
“The difference between winning and losing is always a mental one.” –Peter Thompson
“Fear of any kind is the number-one enemy of all golfers, regardless of ball-striking and shot-making capabilities.” –Jack Nicklaus
RANDOM/ MISCELLANEOUS QUOTES
“The proper score for a businessman golfer is 90. If he is better than that he is neglecting his business. If he’s worse, he’s neglecting his golf.” –St Andrews Rotary Club Member
“The game has such a hold on golfers because they compete not only against an opponent, but also against the course, against par, and most surely- against themselves.” – Arnold Palmer
“Putting is like wisdom- partly a natural gift and partly the accumulation of experience.” –Arnold Palmer
“No one will ever have golf under his thumb. No round will ever be so good it could not have been better. Perhaps this is why golf is the greatest game.” –Bobby Jones
“If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.” –Joey Adams
“If I was the Jackie Robinson of golf, I sure didn’t go a good job of it. Jackie was followed by hundreds of great black ballplayers who have transformed their sport…but there are hardly any black kids coming up through the ranks of golf today.” –Charlie Sifford
Do you have some that you'd like to share? Comment below or email them to me. I'll update them here and even make mention of who sent it to me! Your chance to get your name on my blog page! -AH